tiger lies and eyes.

i want to be the one loose screw that causes you to collapse
because you are already a supernova in the depths of myself
but lately my dreams are sewage soaked and quite flammable
so i can turn up my nose, now, for i have found the tigers you
swore were hiding in my lonely retinas and pieces of wounds

[but you will always be the first to see them]

we are two parts suicide, one part skepticism.

they say, tell me about him.

so i tell them about how:

your knuckles are a story of loss and work
and i like to press them against my
smooth, inexperienced
cheek
and laugh at the ridiculous contrast
i've created.

your worry is venemous and it
infects my limbs rapidly
dragging me down
with paranoia of my own.

your eyes glitter like an explosion
and i would burn to
death
in your gaze
because some things are better
than asphyxiation
from jumping off the Royal Gorge Bridge,
but not many.

your tears burn holes in my memory.

you are more than i
remember
every time i see you.
more:
handsome, caring, brilliant,
ridiculous, intruiging,
lovable
and i love you more every single time
and sometimes when i lay in bed i
wonder if i'll ever burst.

i never thought mowing lawns could be so
dangerous
so i worryandworryandworry
every day
that you won't come home
or that you'll return without a
limb
or an eye
or you'll be in a coma
when i see you next.

when i see the sky
i always think of you and your
obsession with storms
and sometimes i can see
the outline of what comes next
in that cloud you used to say
looked like a tornado cloud.

i tell them about how i love you
but you aren't the only one who
doesn't believe me.

leave the room to cry.

today i cradled a pair of blades
in my tired, tired lap
and i cried, sobbed,
remembered.

i am cold fingerprints on
rain-flecked glasses and
i am ingesting all your shields
within my wicked bowels
so that when you next lay down
your bones will melt into my voice.

but you are an unstoppable
Force
and you can crumple Lives
with one look
and i love you but what really
matters here
is that he loves you
and somehow i am still
without a square
but searching for one in my own
retinas
because he told me he saw
tigers there, once.

my sidewalk is grown over like
childhood socks
and the sun makes it look as if
it is slowly decaying
and i imagine that's exactly how
i look in the sun:
rotting
soon
to
be
useless
even for you to walk on me.

misconception.

today the fan feels like
the heavy thumpthump of a bass
in my marrow
and i am only disappointed to see
that it cannot reorganize my
eyelashes
into the shapes of Forever
or Always
or even Never.

now the chain clinks lightly
against lightbulbs
and i am light-headed.

i am in a pattern
of glass and brambles
and i find that i cannot fall asleep
until i have made myself sick
to my heart
because water should not drip
from my eyes
for such a broken cause.

remembering, your multiplication tables
are broken and deformed
like my lungs
because you think there are three of us
when there are only two
and i wonder how afraid you are
that there could be many more?
Infinity is terrifying
i should know.
don't worry though
i can put your math together again
it doesn't even need to sit
on a wall
for me to try.

but i want to write you 99 letters
explaining how much i Love you.

you are a hole through my lung.

sometimes i miss the way your
ribcage holds me close
to your heart
or the way moonlight sits
or slides
on the curve of your neck
the way tragedy slides
from raindrops
hitting people, innocent or not.
or the way your hands
are strong like thunder
or the look in your eye
like after the rain melts.

sometimes i miss the way you
seem to think i'm beautiful.

i know you're wrong
because i know that whispers burn
our tired eyelids like acid
thin and screaming.

sometimes i miss the way you
pretend you don't have the most
beautiful face in the world.