concave.

when i fell into bed last night,
my stomach felt as though it were eating itself and everything else
it was mutiny
bodily conspiracy
and i wanted to claw my insides out
break every rib out of its Cage
always save the Heart for last
because it deserves to be Eaten.

my heartbeat was irregular like the freckles on my arms
less like glitter
more like the Plague
and as i heaved and sobbed my head collapsed in on me
so now you could never identify
me
if you found me in the river


i always said that asphyxiation from that jump
would have been beautiful
my favorite way to die.
my veins burning with adrenaline
wind tearing the skin on my face Backwards
no time for thoughts
silly, maybe.


i think about the curve of your mouth
and how i could never admit to liking it
even now.
and the way your eyes change colors
the way they change is like pollution
it makes me worse every time and there's no cleaning this up.
i'm not the only one.


i told you i wish you could have seen me
it seems like it was seventy three years ago
back when i was still trying

[i tried harder than anyone's hardest but i never could remember what for]

now i know i lied
because that's what people do.
i would give anything to make you forget last night
forget the way:

my sobbing kept me up until 2:30 when i was finally so exhausted i would have shot myself for a good night's sleep
i cried for something that i don't deserve to cry for
i cried at all because how embarrassing is that?
i joked about suicide in a way i couldn't tell was joking
you said you would never give up on me
i said i already have
i apologized for being horrid
you told me it was no one's fault
i woke up four hours later
i asked her if i could call her back but don't have the heart to



did you know i never dreamt about you until last night?

not once
i was never like that.

i wonder if you'll read this. part of me hopes you don't, aren't


that part of me is losing.